My mom is fetching me at 9 am. Then J will be at the condo na by then. I'll have lunch with J and T at around 1. Then I'll go back and fix my closet (and change) then meet S at Starbucks by 530 PM. He'll bring me back home at 8 so I can be back here by 830. Phew.
Those are just the technicalities.
How about how I'll feel after?
I don't know yet.
---
I'm searching for love in all the wrong places.
Like, for instance, in darkness.
This is how I feel and this is how I do.
I feel excited for tomorrow, because I'll get to see my friends.
But then again, I have my apprehensions because I'll have to juggle J and S.
I always have this problem: my mind battles with my heart.
---
The attendant here is asking for my help.
I'm getting her husband a job in my brother's company. Plus, we're donating 8,000 for her son.
Her son has pneumonia and cryptorchidism (undescended testis). He has to get an operation ASAP or else he'll become sterile for life. They barely survive. They didn't have dinner last night.
If anybody wants to help, message me.
---
My friend forwarded to me her Goodbye Letter to her ex.
I wish I had the guts. I wish I'm not such a coward.
I'd like to tell my exes 3 things:
1) I loved you to the ends of the Earth.
2) I'm sorry for not fixing up myself sooner, when you made me want to be a better person.
3) I wish you'd still be part of my life, somehow, however far or distant, as friends.
Phew. The three hardest lines to say. The three things that I want them all to know.
(Except, well, Dr. J- I didn't love him, I was just infatuated.)
---
I made S a birthday card from poster paint, chip board, felt and construction paper. It's very simple yet elegant and very cute, they said.
There is a pot of plant on the cover- the leaves I made with felt, and decorated with yellow glitter glue. It's because he is currently obsessed with hydrophonic plants. Haha.
I hope he likes it.
He want to have dinner at Heat tomorrow. I hope the food there is great as I've never eaten there before. But he'll have a hard time eating: he is strictly vegetarian. Haha.
The feelings surrounding J have subsided. I'm more level-headed now: I like J, but I'm just not attracted to him sexually.
And that is a very important kind of attraction to have, in my opinion.
And I can't imagine myself having sex with him at all.
Kissing, yeah, been there, done that. But it stops there.
IDK.
I'm holding out for someone else.
Summer: "I woke up one morning and I just knew."
Tom: "Knew what?"
Summer: "What I was never sure of with you."
-- 500 Days of Summer
I am craving beer right now, thanks to somebody out there. Hahaha
---
My mom is visiting me, with a surprise guest.
My bet is that it's J. He did tell me he was planning to visit my mom today.
I'll update later.
--
He did visit...
And he's helping us move on Saturday.
What more can I say?
(I don't want to preempt anything yet.)
That means, I'm having lunch with him and my frient, T, on Saturday. Then I'm having dinner with S.
I'm not supposed to feel this way, but I do.
And what is that? I don't exactly know how I feel... yet.
I overheard this conversation between Eladio and Anthony yesterday. Considering that Anthony is an apathetic schizophrenic, I found it funny.
Eladio: Anthony, mahal mo ba ako?
Anthony: Hindi.
Eladio: Bakit hindi?!
Anthony: Eh kaibigan lang naman kita eh, ba't kita mamahalin?
---
I'm having dinner with S on Saturday. It should be fun, I haven't seen him in like 8 months. It's not a romantic thing, however, we really just are friends.
(Except for the fact that he told me that "when you left, everything in my life went strange. Even my dreams changed. I think we have a special connection somehow.")
Is that a move? I don't know. More accurately, I don't want to believe it is. He understands me terribly well, and I would like him to be one of my best friends. Romantic love will ruin it and besides, he cuts too...
He just got back from his homeland, UK, yesterday.
---
Can't wait to move.
But I dread going to the reunion.
My brother doesn't want to go, because we won't understand our other relatives anyway (they all speak Spanish).
Oh well.
I have this certain quirk: if I believe or think about something so much, it never does happen. And when I think about it AND THEN forget about it, it surely comes.
Consequently, you will never arrive.
[Again, I'm being a hopeless romantic and all that corny stuff. I'm writing to nobody in particular. Haha]
..but I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away. [I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time.]
---
Yeah, I'm fine.
Will go to my cousin's birthday dinner later at Chilli's at Greenbelt 5.
I was allowed to be out till 10 PM.
Tomorrow, it's back to reality.
---
I feel... strange... like something has been lifted from my shoulders.
I promised myself I will never do anything that I can't be proud of. I will not add to my ten thousand list of 'Things That Make Me Cringe.'
That includes avoiding certain people altogether, and sharpening my senses with focus and will.
Focus is key.
Focus is key.
Cold turkey is the way to go, for most things.
Yep, quit you cold turkey is the way the heavens would have me do it.
---
I still remember Peter but it's a matter-of-fact remembering na. Not so much mush and heartache and all that jazz as before.
It's factual remembering, not emotional anymore.
I remember the technicalities, the events... but I can't remember the feeling anymore.
I guess I am finally learning to let go by focusing on other things.
---
I will not exchange this rehab for the world.
